


Why he can't and why he won't

by My_wayward_CASsbutt



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Bisexual Dean, Child Abuse, Homophobic John, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 08:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3643050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_wayward_CASsbutt/pseuds/My_wayward_CASsbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is just my head canon explanation for why Dean can't outwardly show his feelings for Castiel.<br/>Enjoy:)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why he can't and why he won't

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction so any tips or opinions are appreciated thanks :)  
> There isn't a lot of destiel in this but it kinda is at the end so just please keep reading and tell me what you think:)

Dean thought about it all the time. He had to. He had to think about the night that his life changed forever. The night that made him unable to look at another man that way ever again.

* * *

\- _March 1995_

Dean was about half way through his homework when he heard the phone ring from the living room, but he didn’t budge. His dad would answer it. And he needed to take advantage of every chance that he was given to save his grade. Being as school was never really his strong point.

But you could give half the blame to the cute new boy at school, Benny, which Dean immediately took a liking to. He was always being distracted by his striking blue eyes, and wolfish smile. They had quickly became friends, but Dean liked him a little more than that, and didn’t come out to be disappointed. They were more than friends in less than a month and were hanging out after school a lot. But not at Deans house. His father wasn’t really the type of person for him to be holding another boys hand, in front of. But Benny’s parents didn’t mind so they would usually take refuge at his house to be alone.

The ringing stopped and Dean heard what must have been a hello from his father and some more indecipherable responses to the person on the other line. Then the phone slammed down onto the counter and John let out a “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and then called for Dean.

“Dean!”

He jumped, a little startled and hesitantly got off of his bed, walking into the living room, to find his father in the kitchen facing away from him, leaning with his hands on the counter, staring into the sink.

“Y-yeah dad?” He said, voice shaking, scared to know what his dad was angry about this time.

“That was Benny Laffiate’s mom, Eve” he replied, his voice hoarse.

Dean froze. _Oh great_. Dean thought. _I'm so screwed_. She must have said something about him and Benny. In her defense, she wouldn’t know any better. He’d never said anything about how John would react. It never really came up, but now he was about to regret that decsision.

“She said tha’ Benny would’n be makin’ it to school tomorrow caus’ he’s been runnin' a fever or somthin'", by the slur of his words, Dean could tell that John was very drunk.

“Ok” _thank god_. A large wave of relief fell over him and he turned to go back to go to his room… But then John continued speaking.

“Not so fast, boy” he called after him. Dean stopped and turned to now see his father facing him and deeply glaring.

“She also made a commen' about ‘how _cute_ you two were together’ and…” he chuckled with a disgusted grin on his face.

Dean froze, not knowing what to do. He finally found his voice. But wasn’t able to use it for long.

“Dad…” Dean began to say.

“No! You listen to me, boy! Ain’ no son’a mine gonna be fag!” he screamed at him

“But…” Dean was cut off again by the painful sting of a large hand hitting him across the face. Hard. He let out a whimper and brought a hand up to the red hand print on his aching face, "don' argue with me, boy!"

“Dean?” Sam stepped out of his room, eyes wide when he caught sight of his older brothers cheek.

“Go back to your room Sam” John ordered him, too busy scolding at Dean to even look up at him. But the ten year old still stood and looked at Dean as if to telepathically ask if he was okay.

“Go Sammy. It’s okay. I’m okay. Just go finish your homework.” Dean lied with a fake reassuring smile on his face.

Sam Reluctantly turned around and went back into his bedroom. He was smart enough to know for a fact that is was not okay. But when dad like this, little Sammy couldn’t much about it, except be there for Dean when it was over. So he just sat on his bed. But he didn’t pick up his textbook. He just on his bed and listened.

“Look at him” John said, grabbing deans face and turning him to look at Sam’s bedroom door “At leas' Sam picked a nice girl to be crushin’ on! Than’ god I still got’s one son with his head on straight!... I use' to wonder why you never had nobody to bring home with you. I thought i' was just b'cause you were a low-life tha' no one wanted. Bu' you’re worse! And it's disgusting!” He screamed, throwing deans face away as if he couldn't even make eye contact with him anymore.

Dean wanted to shout back at him something like, “Well you’re no better, you asshole! At least I don’t sit on my ass drinkin’ booze, wastin’ my life away! At least I take care of this place! And Sammy! When all you do is drink and complain and leave all the time, you asshole!” But he couldn’t. He couldn’t say or do anything back. He would just make things worse for himself. So he just sat there and took it. The words. The hits. He took them cause he had no other choice. He never had any other choice.

“Look at you” he hit dean, in the temple, hard with the back of his hand “Your mother wou’ be so disappointed to see what you’ve become”

“Are you sure I'm the one she’d be disappointed in?” Dean said, immediately regretting it. “What’d you say to me, boy?!” he snapped, grabbing deans chin again punching him in the lip. Dean fell to the ground, and held his head in his hands. He wiped off his bleeding lip, unable to reply, due to the abundance of pain he was now experiencing in his face. 

John stared down at Dean, triumphantly for a few seconds, and then spoke. “I don' wanna hear about you and that boy hangin’ out together no more, ya hear?!”

Dean nodded, holding back tears, not willing to argue at the moment, and John feeling like he'd done his job, turned and walked out the front door with his leather jacket and keys. Dean didn’t know where his father was going or when he would be back. But he honestly didn’t care. 

It wasn’t until he heard the roar of the impala slowly fade with distance, that he let go of the sobs he had been holding in while still in his fathers presence. 

Almost immediately Sam came sprinting out of his room to find Dean curled up on the stained living room carpet, sobbing. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and helped him over to the couch, then went to get an ice pack for Dean to hold up to his aching face. Although Sam had heard the whole thing, neither of them spoke. Sam just kept his arm around Dean’s shoulder as he cried. Dean Winchester never cried. But moments like these were the only exception. 

 

After that night, he got a girlfriend. Her name was Cassidy and she was nice, but she was really just a distraction from what Dean really wanted. Well, and an illusion for his dad, in order to avoid the speeches that eventually turned into beatings. Which meant he didn’t speak to Benny much. He couldn't. It would just hurt them both too much. Which of course made Benny copious amounts of confused. And Dean wanted to -god he wanted to talk to him so bad. He wanted to explain everything to him. Why he couldn't speak to him, why they couldn't hang out anymore, and why he was now dating Cassidy. But of course, he couldn't.

 

* * *

_ Now  _

So now, standing there in front of this blue-eyed angel, with tousled black hair, and tan trench coat, he had to remember that night, back when he was still just a young teenager, and remember why he has to act the way he does. Because that's what he had grown up to believe. To be told that what he thought wrong, and that his mom would disgusted to know about him He knew that it wasn't true, but sometimes he would let it get to him, and he would start believing his fathers words, himself. And no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't say anything about the way he felt about this angel. But, truly, the worst part is, the angel can sense the way he feels, and they are  _constantly_  exchanging somber looks with one another. But the angels eyes still show intense understanding, and it breaks Deans heart. He was so desperate so express himself to this man. He should have been able to. He was his best friend after all. But he couldn't. His dad took that away from him. And it made him so angry. He was furious that he let his father do this him. But he couldn't let it go cause honestly, it scared the shit out of him.


End file.
